Friday, January 25, 2013

The Brain/Eye Battle

I don't post for, like, ever and then BAM! I hit ya with a deep one... You're welcome ;)

Disclaimer: This post will probably annoy some of you, upset you and make you think I am vain and ridiculous  And that is fine. I probably am all of those things. But I'm also human and a woman and I feel like this is an issue that many women face, all the time. With that being said... Read on, if you'd like :)

I POSTED a while back about struggling with my weight after my kids. And while I would not trade them for the all the size zero jeans in the world, I still can complain about it ;) I talked in THIS post about coming to terms with my new fuller figure. I know, I know you are all rolling your eyes at me: a size 4 is not a full figure. Its not, I know that. I am getting to a point, bear with me for just a bit longer... Truth be told, I wasn't nearly as accepting of my size 4 body as I lead on in that post. I just was not happy with the way I looked. I can't tell you how many clothing changes I had every morning. How many times I cried when I looked in the mirror or what it felt like to pop my zipper trying to fit in my favorite pre-baby jeans. Just awful.

Almost to my point. I am now a good 18lbs lighter than when I posted THAT. I am at this very moment rockin a size 2 pair of tangerine skinnies... And my pre-baby jeans? I got the zipper fixed, wear them on the reg and they are still my favorites. Whoo-freaking-hoo. I can hear you all saying it... Still not my point...

Here it is. I have obtained pre-baby weight and look about like I did when I got pregnant with Lucy, and YET I STILL HAVE THESE SAME FEELINGS. I look in the mirror and my eyes see something completely different than my brain KNOWS is true. My brain knows I fit in to my old clothes. My brain knows I bought a size 0 pant or a small shirt. But my EYES see a very round, very full, very bloated version of me. 

Now, before you all start lynching me, or trying to commit me to the psych ward, let me say this: I do not have an eating disorder. The only eating disorder I might possibly have is an OVER eating disorder. Trust me on this one and anyone close to me can back this up...

Okay, that still wasn't really my point. Really my point is, WHY?!?!? Why do I, do we, as women allow ourselves to be manipulated - hell manipulate ourselves - into thinking that we have to achieve this ridiculous standard of looking fantastic in a pair of freaking tangerine colored skinny jeans. Lets face it... Like 1% of society really looks good in tangerine skinny jeans. I'm smart, I know this and yet I beat myself up for it. Its completely and utterly mind-boggling. 

I could sit here a type to you that the cycle of self-criticism is ending now, but I don't know that. I might say that and then a year from now be like "Remember when I said... Well, I wasn't actually as comfortable with my size as I let on..." So I won't say anything like that. What I will say is this, I will do my damnedest to make sure my girls don't have these same insecurities. 

They are told they are beautiful countless times a day. They are active and get plenty of exercise  While they don't have perfect diets, they eat really well... They are healthy. And I want them to look at themselves in the mirror and say, "I'm healthy and that makes me beautiful." If my self-criticism creeps in it will be behind closed door out of their view. They will not see that from me. I'll continue to wear my skinny jeans, even though on the inside I may not feel so great in them, because I want them to see confidence. That is what I'll commit to.

Like I said at the very beginning of this post, I don't think I'm alone in this brain/eye battle. And someday I hope my brain wins out and my eyes start seeing what my brain knows is true... And I hope that for all of the women out there who struggle with this. And I hope that our kids don't ever have to struggle with it. 

And now I've worked up an appetite... Ice cream, anyone?

3 comments:

Crystal said...

I totally agree with you! I have hardly seen a good version of myself as I actually looked. I look back at photos I used to hate of myself and I see a skinny girl who would for sure think the girl I am now I huge. Is super annoying/great when my husband thinks I am beautiful and I just feel gross and bloated. I do totally hate you thinking your 0, 2, 4 self are fat. ;) I appreciate your candidness and think many many women can't see who they truly are. Did you ever see the show with one of the guys from the fab 5 where he made them pick the model they thought matched their size??? I think someone should get the measurements of celebs and post them on a site and you can pick who you match up with maybe people who can see the beauty in other peoples measuments can see them in themselves.

Crystal said...

Excuse my Grammer.. Sometimes I type too fast on my iPad and don't notice mistakes.

Sweet Simplicity said...

This is very well written and something that I think we all struggle with, especially post-baby.